1-1-11

So, today's 1/1/11, which actually completely missed my attention until about 9:30 tonite when I saw somebody had posted it on Facebook. Go fig. Yep, I'm that on top of things today. ;)

I HAD a big long list of to-do's today, important, time consuming and need-to-get-done kinda things.

Instead, I read Plan B by Pete Wilson, took a shower and watched some tv. Then had dinner. Oh wait...I had breakfast before I started reading the book. And I had lunch sometime in the middle of the book. So, I did eat. In case you were concerned. *cough*

So, I read a book today and it was good. I'm still processing it, chewing it over in my mind. It talked a lot about what to do when God doesn't show up the way you think He will, or should, when all of sudden something in your life goes awry in both small and large ways and you're left with making a Plan B. Or T...if things seem to happen that way a lot. Or rather, I should say, it doesn't talk a lot about WHAT to do when that happens, cuz what comes next is kinda dependant on the person's situation, but what to do in relation to God. And that is to basically...TRUST.

TRUST that He is there. Even when the pain is so severe you can't think, hardly breathe, the anger is so hot white that you can't see, when the numbness makes you so cold that you cease to feel anything at all....through all that and then some...TRUST that God is there, even when you can't feel Him, or his presence, his words, anything.

2010 brought some huge changes for our family. Moving away from all of our friends, the only house we've known for a very long time and the only one the kids have ever known, new job for my husband, learning to deal with being a single parent when he's travelling for work and gone for months at a time, learning to deal with living in a super tiny place that doesn't have a kitchen so we share with my parents who live next door, tho that means going over there for every meal, that has 3/4 of a bathroom that all 5 of us share, not having room for a lot of things, trying to make our room work as a bedroom, living room and office, dealing with a super old power grid that pops breakers with too much of anything, paying for 3 different storage units (tho soon it'll be down to 2, and as soon as we can build a large shed, none) STILL not being able to find most things, even almost 10 months later. Still not having made any friends down here except a couple of teenagers, and they're just more like having more kids than a friend.

Facing loss of identity when our whole world was rocked by this. Struggling to get on our feet financially and knowing that we won't be buying another house anytime soon. Wanting to be in a 'real' house again. Wanting to grow our family more as we've always planned through biological and adoption, and wondering where to put them....were we able to get pregnant again, which isn't happening (keep in mind it took almost 4 yrs to get pregnant with KC) and we've been trying since he was 9 mos old and he turned 2 in September!! Yearning to be back in Riverside on our old street, in our old house with our neighbors and friends and old church and and and...

And we're in Plan B. And this is right where God wants us. And we don't know what the future holds. And not having any control over it is scary. And it sucks.

And finally being able to write again is sooooo freeing!!! Just had to get that out there!

I've been struggling, fighting and in despair over this "Plan B". I'm working on surrendering to it, knowing that it's God's will for us to be here, seeing reason after reason and purpose after purpose and STILL rebelling that we're HERE, HERE of all places, and being so full of pride and embarrassment that we don't have the big nice house anymore in the nice neighborhood and ...all that. It's pride. And it's wrong. And when we lived in the 'big house' in the nice neighborhood and all that, I wanted to move. And we didn't appreciate what we had and didn't take care of the blessing God had provided. But we had felt his prompting to move for years and ignored it and finally it was made evident to us that he meant business.

So, we moved. And we live next to my folks now, right back where I grew up. And we're still trying to learn some of the same lessons. And I'm still struggling to figure out who I am and what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. But I know I've wasted a lot of time moping, mourning the loss of what was and dramatizing it into something shiny and pretty and all that, when it wasn't and isn't and can't be changed anyway, instead of focusing on now and the future and what God's got planned for us and me and what I can be doing to glorify him and bring honor to His name.

So, last year was summed up in the word...CHANGE.

2011 I want to be summed up in the word...TRUST.

And I'm working on that. Trusting Him. With all my heart. And not leaning on my own feeble understanding of things and how *I* think they should go, and when they should go, and how and all that. Trusting Him that HE has a plan, and we're smack dab in the middle of it, so just hang on and enjoy the ride! That's what I'm working on. That, and reflecting Christ more in my own family, to my husband in being a better helpmate to him, and to my boys as a better mom to them, showing them who God is and helping them grow in their own relationship with Him. THAT'S a very important job, one that will have repercussions for lifetimes to come.

Soooo....Happy New Year.....I TRUST that this year brings many blessings, great and small to all of you and yours...and that we all learn to trust in God more in everything we say and do!!