1-1-11

So, today's 1/1/11, which actually completely missed my attention until about 9:30 tonite when I saw somebody had posted it on Facebook. Go fig. Yep, I'm that on top of things today. ;)

I HAD a big long list of to-do's today, important, time consuming and need-to-get-done kinda things.

Instead, I read Plan B by Pete Wilson, took a shower and watched some tv. Then had dinner. Oh wait...I had breakfast before I started reading the book. And I had lunch sometime in the middle of the book. So, I did eat. In case you were concerned. *cough*

So, I read a book today and it was good. I'm still processing it, chewing it over in my mind. It talked a lot about what to do when God doesn't show up the way you think He will, or should, when all of sudden something in your life goes awry in both small and large ways and you're left with making a Plan B. Or T...if things seem to happen that way a lot. Or rather, I should say, it doesn't talk a lot about WHAT to do when that happens, cuz what comes next is kinda dependant on the person's situation, but what to do in relation to God. And that is to basically...TRUST.

TRUST that He is there. Even when the pain is so severe you can't think, hardly breathe, the anger is so hot white that you can't see, when the numbness makes you so cold that you cease to feel anything at all....through all that and then some...TRUST that God is there, even when you can't feel Him, or his presence, his words, anything.

2010 brought some huge changes for our family. Moving away from all of our friends, the only house we've known for a very long time and the only one the kids have ever known, new job for my husband, learning to deal with being a single parent when he's travelling for work and gone for months at a time, learning to deal with living in a super tiny place that doesn't have a kitchen so we share with my parents who live next door, tho that means going over there for every meal, that has 3/4 of a bathroom that all 5 of us share, not having room for a lot of things, trying to make our room work as a bedroom, living room and office, dealing with a super old power grid that pops breakers with too much of anything, paying for 3 different storage units (tho soon it'll be down to 2, and as soon as we can build a large shed, none) STILL not being able to find most things, even almost 10 months later. Still not having made any friends down here except a couple of teenagers, and they're just more like having more kids than a friend.

Facing loss of identity when our whole world was rocked by this. Struggling to get on our feet financially and knowing that we won't be buying another house anytime soon. Wanting to be in a 'real' house again. Wanting to grow our family more as we've always planned through biological and adoption, and wondering where to put them....were we able to get pregnant again, which isn't happening (keep in mind it took almost 4 yrs to get pregnant with KC) and we've been trying since he was 9 mos old and he turned 2 in September!! Yearning to be back in Riverside on our old street, in our old house with our neighbors and friends and old church and and and...

And we're in Plan B. And this is right where God wants us. And we don't know what the future holds. And not having any control over it is scary. And it sucks.

And finally being able to write again is sooooo freeing!!! Just had to get that out there!

I've been struggling, fighting and in despair over this "Plan B". I'm working on surrendering to it, knowing that it's God's will for us to be here, seeing reason after reason and purpose after purpose and STILL rebelling that we're HERE, HERE of all places, and being so full of pride and embarrassment that we don't have the big nice house anymore in the nice neighborhood and ...all that. It's pride. And it's wrong. And when we lived in the 'big house' in the nice neighborhood and all that, I wanted to move. And we didn't appreciate what we had and didn't take care of the blessing God had provided. But we had felt his prompting to move for years and ignored it and finally it was made evident to us that he meant business.

So, we moved. And we live next to my folks now, right back where I grew up. And we're still trying to learn some of the same lessons. And I'm still struggling to figure out who I am and what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. But I know I've wasted a lot of time moping, mourning the loss of what was and dramatizing it into something shiny and pretty and all that, when it wasn't and isn't and can't be changed anyway, instead of focusing on now and the future and what God's got planned for us and me and what I can be doing to glorify him and bring honor to His name.

So, last year was summed up in the word...CHANGE.

2011 I want to be summed up in the word...TRUST.

And I'm working on that. Trusting Him. With all my heart. And not leaning on my own feeble understanding of things and how *I* think they should go, and when they should go, and how and all that. Trusting Him that HE has a plan, and we're smack dab in the middle of it, so just hang on and enjoy the ride! That's what I'm working on. That, and reflecting Christ more in my own family, to my husband in being a better helpmate to him, and to my boys as a better mom to them, showing them who God is and helping them grow in their own relationship with Him. THAT'S a very important job, one that will have repercussions for lifetimes to come.

Soooo....Happy New Year.....I TRUST that this year brings many blessings, great and small to all of you and yours...and that we all learn to trust in God more in everything we say and do!!

I blinked and 2010 is over

After what's seemed like forever and a half since I've written, I've decided to once again dip my pen in the inkwell of life and try to write again. We'll see what happens.

We're a few short days away from the end of 2010. A year full of joy, pain, upheaval, tears, laughter, heartache and happiness. If it could be summed up in one word, it would be

CHANGE.

A lot has changed this year. Home. Jobs. Death. Friends. Outlook on a lot of things. 2011 will bring more changes, good, bad and everything in between. Should be quite a ride!

I'm not promising to post every day, but I'm definitely gonna be posting more often...if I can get the hang of this blog thing again. I haven't opened up in a long time and I'm definitely out of practice!! But, I'm sure it's just like riding a bike...right??

We'll see!

Labor Pains

I was talking to a very good friend of mine this morning about some of the major things going on in my life right now. She said she'd continue to pray and my knee jerk reaction was to balk at that and say that God and I aren't speaking right now. Or rather...I'm talking/whining and He's the Father that's being patient with me while I stomp my feet and throw a fit. She commented that just because I was feeling all the pain of what life's throwing at me doesn't mean that God's not there, that He's not listening, not still loving me. And I KNOW she's right, but still.

Then she said...

"Sometimes we have to endure pain in order to grow and experience God's grace. It's like having kids. If we didn't go through the pains of childbirth we wouldn't have these wonderful babies of ours. They're worth it, ain't they!?!"

I still wanted to argue. And I still wanted to wallow. And object. Cuz...ya know. I'm a human and that's what we do. It's easier to wallow. It's easier to wrap the pain and depressing thoughts around me and have a pity party. I wanted to say...SOMETHING to argue back but I couldn't cuz I knew she was right!!!

So her words continued to eat at me as they sank their teeth in further and further, chewing through my rebellion and whiny brattiness. Started me thinking of labor pains.

My parents had been married for a little while they started trying to have a baby. Month after month after months of trying and still, no baby coming. Then one day my dad came home to find my mom laying in a pool of blood on the kitchen floor.

She almost died.

Turns out that the dr that she'd been seeing for month for her cold symptoms that just wouldn't go away, and assured her repeatedly that she was definitely NOT pregnant, completely missed the fact that she WAS indeed pregnant with an ectopic.

By the time she was rushed to the hospital she was 5 months along.

Many, many months later, when she was finally released from the hospital where she'd been all that time due to so many surgeries to fix all the damage done...that dr was long gone. Skipped outta town never to be seen or heard from again.

Years passed. Numerous failed fertility treatments gave way to pursuing adoption. The were assigned a social worker that took a dislike to them as they were unwilling to play the mind games she wanted them to. She decided instead to run them through the ringer. She stalled their paper work, threw up every obstacle she could, told them she KNEW they would be horrible parents, that no child would EVER bond with them but especially with my mom (and ask ANYbody, she's a very, very sweet lady!!).

They kept going. Persevered through it all. Finally got a new social worker. Things started happening. They were approved. Now the search was on for a child. Some friends told them about a little girl that was available for adoption down in Mississippi. They lived in California. Another obstacle. More red tape. More delays. But the excitement was growing. Their hope was back.

After 10 long years of trying to be parents, on October 16th, 1984 their dream finally came true. They got to meet their little girl for the first time.

I was that little girl.

And I was 10 years old.

The very long, very painful journey that they had to go through was the very journey that enabled them to be the parents that were available to adopt me.

Ten years of trying and they ended up with a ten year old little girl. The irony is never lost on us!!

Oh, and the bonding issues? The ones that that social worker was SURE would be a problem?

Never happened!

From the moment my mom and I met, we were connected, instant bond. Now that I'm a mom I know the feeling of meeting your baby for the first time. Love at first sight. That bond has only grown deeper and stronger over the years. My mom always kids that she'd love to find that spiteful social worker and go 'nah nah nah nah naaaah!' ;)

My side of the story and what all went on in those first 10 years of life...well, that's a story for a different day.

But was it worth it to go through the 10 years of pain and frustration, aching and longing? I speak for myself when I say ABSOLUTELY!!! I know I can speak for my parents when I say again ABSOLUTELY!!!

We recently celebrated my 25th 'birthday'. We always celebrated the day my parents 'got' me as my '2nd' birthday. So while I turned 35 earlier this year, I'm really only 25!!! ;)


Now about that pity party I was throwing myself this morning (and trust me, I DO love a good party!!)

It's gone!!

It left instead the peace that passes all understanding that no matter what lies ahead, no matter the major changes brewing and all the pain and frustration we will endure through all that, it will be worth it on the other side.


One more thing....

God and I are speaking again. ;)

Abandoning one's self to the joys of summer

So while I'm still not fully back on the blogging bandwagon, I did wanna share this picture with you. It reminds that Summer is a huge celebrity the world over and even with it's incredible heat here in the IE of SoCal, or the unbearable mugginess and 'squitos back east/midwest, it's still FUN. So go ahead....jump right in and enjoy yourself!!

(click on the picture for the full effect!!)

Wow...where has the time gone?

I just looked at the date of my last post. April 14th. Really? Seriously? Holy Cow. I really didn't think it was THAT long ago, and that really does seem like a VEEEERRRRRYYY long time!!

I won't regale you with tales of being busy or give you a huge long, long, looooooonnng post as to what we've been up to. My memory's just not that good. LOL I know we have been busy and gone through some crazy things, but mostly it's just a boring reason....not enough time on the computer to write a post.

And it seemed like the longer I was away from blogging, the more daunting of a task it was to get back into the swing of things! What do I say? Do I give all the gory, boring details of WHY I've been gone so long or WHAT I've been up to? No, I don't think I should do that to the few readers I've got, lol.

So suffice to say...I'm back. And now that I've gotten my 'comeback' post done I can jump in and catch up on fun stuff again. I've got some stories to tell and pictures to post....with three adorable boys it'd be impossible NOT to, but I'll save that for next time ;)

And since this small post has taken exactly a WEEK to finish, don't hold your breath for me to become a blogging machine again. LOL Then again, ya just never know what'll happen!

Happy Friday Eve!!

True Story Tuesday and one for the record books

Ready for this week’s True Story Tuesday?? It’s a chance to share what seems too amazing or miraculous to have happened in real life.

This Easter, like all the holidays since Kian was born, snuck up on me and rushed by me way too fast. I did manage to get the boys their baskets (thanks to my WONDERFUL mom who always makes them!!) and I did get their Easter Basket Treasure Hunt done on Sunday, and they DID get to go to an Easter Egg Hunt on Saturday (thanks to their awesome cousin Kimmi and her hubs) BUT...the age old tradition of coloring eggs??? Just didn't get on the ball quick enough to do it BEFORE the holiday.

However, I promised them that they would and could decorate eggs, and today I finally had time enough to 'get 'er done'. I also had to climb and conquer Mt. Saint Laundry and tackle the Clutter Monster that moved in and stubbornly refuses to go away! Minor details. But, I did promise them and despite my inner struggle at the thought of yet ANOTHER mess about to be made when I was battling all the OTHER messes, I went ahead and got the eggs out and put them on to boil. I went about working on my other chores, not forgetting about the eggs, just waiting for the water to boil to turn off the stove. After all, it's not like this was the first time I've done this ya know!

Ahem.

I took a small break to go feed the baby and put him down for a nap. At least, that was the plan when I headed upstairs with him! He had something else in mind however... mainly, me holding him while he slept instead of snuggling down in his bed. Cuz, ya know, Mama's arms are always better than bed!! So I obliged him cuz 1) he doesn't insist on this very often and B) (and more importantly) cuz he's only gonna be this small once, and time moves fast enough!

So I'm sitting upstairs rocking the baby and I hear DH start making lunch. Then I heard him banging around in the kitchen and thought, oh, AND he's doing dishes...how awesome is he!!

Did I mention he's also laying tile today in the boy's bathroom?? And that he had his second root canal yesterday and is in quite a bit of pain from that?? No? Oh, and that most men aren't known for their ability to multi-task to this degree, my husband included???

No? Huh. Go fig.

So, the likelihood that he would stop laying/cutting tile to start making lunch (and it smelled like he was COOKING or GRILLING something really good, which shoulda been another tipoff cuz I don't have anything ready to BE cooked/grilled!!!) AND to do the dishes (again, mid project, cuz he DOES cook/grill/AND do dishes other times, he's pretty awesome that way!! umm, tho not usually at the same time) was pretty much nil.

Then it started to smell like something was burning and also like he was banging pots and pans around and I thought, hmm...oooooooook....what IS he doing???

So I head downstairs to see what all the commotion was (the baby was awake by this time) only to walk into a smoky kitchen!!! I looked to the cause of the smoke and see the pot of eggs and realize OH NO!!! I had completely forgotten about them! But...not only were the eggs smoking and burned....they were EXPLODING!!! And not just 'popping' exploding...I mean 'taking off into the stratosphere' (or at least my kitchen ceiling!!) kinda exploding!

I. kid. you. not. I had no idea they did that. 'Course, I've never done anything like this before so you can see why I didn't have the knowledge in the ol' data banks that when you boil the eggs too long, say, for HOURS at a time, and there's no water left and the fire's still going strong...the eggs will heat and heat til they EXPLODE.

Huh. Go fig. Now I know.

*snort*

So, I assess the damage and start opening up all the windows, doors, turn the whole house fan on to suck out the smell, etc. Then I take a look around the kitchen and see pieces of egg. All. Over. Ceilings...walls....counter....floor....stove, etc. Threw out the eggs (umm...obviously) and assessed the pot (one of my favs too btw!) and had to toss it out as well. Boo!

My boys....the same ones that have been driving me nuts lately with all their squabbling but that I STILL (finally) made eggs for...well, sorta, yes, MY boys, ask me...WHILE I'm doing all of the above...."Soooooo....are ya gonna make some more eggs for us????"

Huh. Let me get back to you on that!!! (insert screaming woman fleeing the men with the little white coat)

*roll*

*sigh*

Oh....and THEN I get to go find my husband and tell him what I had done. Or rather, add to the list of the 'crazy things I've done recently'. He was working on cutting tile but said, after I told him what I had done, "I GOTTA see this" chortling all the way. So we head into the kitchen and as soon as he sees the mess busts up laughing, at which point the boys start laughing (cuz they hadn't been too sure of what to make of it before that) and I kinda, sorta, not-really-cuz-I'd-rather-the-ground-just-open-up-and-swallow-me-whole, laughed along.

*snort*

*laugh*

*cry*

Ohhhhh....what a day!

We headed to Lowes shortly after cuz he needed some different blades for his saw and we needed a smoke detector for the kitchen. Turns out that whole room (the kitchen and family room are all one long room) doesn't have a smoke detector, which kinda woulda been handy today to clue me in to what was going on....BEFORE it got to the pyrotechnic part!!

We also grabbed lunch OUT cuz, well, the kitchen was kinda outta commission.

And the smell??? The one thats permeated all throughout the house??? Some friends mentioned that if I simmer water and vinegar for a few hours it'll get rid of the yucky smell. They also mentioned that then of course my house will smell like vinegar but it would be better than burned eggs.

Then again, the thought of boiling, even simmering, anything else today just doesn't sound good.

Go fig.

*snort*

True Story Tuesday

This is the first edition of True Story Tuesday. Go visit Rachel at Once Upon A Miracle to join in, don't miss out on the very first edition ever.

So in thinking of all the 'true stories' that I have yet to tell...the first one that popped into mind was about Jacob, our oldest. And though he's 9 now...he still has this problem!!

When he was about 3, we were in the car on the way to somewhere, driving along with a jabbery toddler/preschooler that LOVED to talk. I'm sure you've met one of those or have a few yourself! So Jake was talking about something and got upset cuz I didn't give him the answer he wanted I guess cuz he started talking back, and in a way that needed a little correction. So, I pulled out the trusty comment that many parents before me (including my own) have used for years and it went something like this...

"Jacob, don't talk back to Mommy, that's not ok"

Jake was quiet for a couple seconds and then said...

"I no talk back. I talk FORWARD!"


Seriously, I kid you not, those were his exact words. And to this day, and that including, it still just cracks me up!!!


Sooo...what's your True Story for the day???

Finally Friday!!!

Oh. My. Goodness. It's Friday!!! YAY!

Well...sorta.

Our cat...who's been such an awesome cat for over 2 years (and we've had him since birth since we used to have his mama) decided to once again pee...in my bathroom. AAARRGGHHH!! He did this a few weeks ago but we thought it was cuz he couldn't get to his box. This time, he had no excuse. So he peed between our two sinks in the master bathroom (there's a space under the counter for a chair or whatever) AND decided to poop on the dog's bed. What's up with that???????

Then, while I'm trying to take care of that my boys are yelling that the stingray is dead!! The stingray is dead!!

Oh no...please don't be dead! But sure enough, one look at the fish tank and yep, the poor guy is toast.

So the boys are upset, I'm mad at the blankety cat and trying to clean up his messes AND trying to get my hands around his scrawny neck catch him to throw him outside for now so he doesn't do any more damage. I'm also trying to corral the boys into the kitchen to decide what they want to eat for breakfast and then EAT IT so I can get them to their art class in time. Yes, yes, they are homeschooled but they're taking a very awesome 3 day art class and today's day #2.

TGIF?

Welll.....yes and no.

NO, cuz what the heck kinda FRIDAY morning is this? This is a total MONDAY morning in the making!! Hello! Didn't they get that memo?

But...YES, cuz my hubby has 3 day weekends!! Which is even better considering his theme lately could be "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad...work schedule!!!" His work changed the hours a few weeks ago to where he has to be up at 1:30 A. M. so he can be to work by 2:30 A. M. Ya, I didn't know there was such a time either, so can't even type it correctly!! But then the next week they said, well, since we're making you work such nasty hours, we'll give you 4/10 work days, so you'll have to work a couple extra hours every day but we'll give you Mondays off. Sweet! ish. But then the NEXT week they said, oh wait, we changed the flight schedules (he's a crew chief in the Air Guard) so now you need to be in at 4:30am. Well, that's a little better but he still has to get up at 3:30am. Blech.

But wait, that's not all!

To make it even MORE terrible, horrible, no good and VERY BAD!!!!!!!!!! They will change the schedule every week to accomodate the flight schedule. So this week, 3:30am, last week 1:30am, next week....well, we just CAN'T WAIT to find out (and he won't know til later today!!)

Oh joyous rapture. NOT

So ya, we're excited it's Friday. REALLY excited. It means my sweet hubby gets to sleep in past 3:30 and has 3 days to spend with us! Which is awesome, especially since we're going to....

DISNEYLAND!!!!

Yup, Monday. We're getting our passes back and enjoying the day at the park. Only 'downside' is that since we're not sure yet of his schedule for next week we prolly won't stay too late cuz he'll need to get SOME sleep!!! But that's ok, that's what passes are for!!

The other bad part to the schedule is that obviously he needs to go to bed early but I've also lost my tag team partner when the baby wakes up during the night! Which...he still does like clockwork and when DADDY gets up with him he goes down easily but when Mommy gets him he wants to nurse. So it makes for a more tired Mommy too. Blech! Hopefully they change it and STICK WITH IT soon so we can all adjust to it instead of this constantly changing thing which just sucks!!

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So, anyway, back to today...

My best friend, Charita, and her husband finally started trying for a baby last fall and were so excited to find out right after Christmas that they were expecting. She and I thought it was pretty cool cuz I had found out a year before, same day, that I was expecting, so her baby would be due around the beginning of Sept, just like Kian was.

She went to the OB last Friday for her first checkup, even though she was 15 weeks along. They were looking forward to seeing their baby for the first time via ultrasound, hearing the heartbeat, etc. Instead they were devestated to find out that she had miscarried early on. The 'good' news, the dr said, was that they were pg again and roughly 4 weeks along.

She sent me a text this morning that she just found out she miscarried again.

They goes in to the dr next week to see running tests and blood work, etc, to hopefully give them some answers and hope for the future. Please pray that it's an 'easy' fix...as in perhaps progesterone supplments, etc, as I know sometimes that can make all the difference.

But regardless, it doesn't ease their grief right now so please pray for them. She's 37 (which I know is NOT 'that' old, but OBs and whatnot say she's 'advanced maternal age) and her and I have known each other since we were 15 and 17...so quite a long time!!

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Ok....to end this on some awesome news...my baby just took an almost 1.5 hr nap!! WOOOOHOOO!!! This is awesome HUGE news cuz he's a half hour napper, so an hour and half? WOOT!

Sooooo...it's Finally Friday.....how's your week been???

Wordless Wednesday

Hanging with Daddy

Not Me Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

This week provided quite a bit of entertainment from James, our 6 year old, as he's learning to read. Upon learning the group of words...'as, has and was', he did NOT respond to learning that 'was' did not sound like 'has' but 'WUZ' by saying..."Oooohhh...like...

WAZZUP DUDE!!!"

Ahh, boys...gotta love them lil dudes! ;)

But seriously, whatever helps him remember and learn that tricky lil bugger wuz...I mean was.

The real kicker, and one that goes down in the annals of family history, came the next day when we were visiting my parents. Grandma was listening to him read his words, including a whole lot of new words he just started reading that day. As he came across the word "Hal" my mom explained that it's a man's name. To which my darling innocent child did NOT then reply with....

"Ya...like, What the Hal is going on here!!!!!!"

My mom did NOT almost pee her pants laughing so hard! As did my dad when she told him what happened. She also did/does NOT enjoy (to great lengths I might add!) repeating it to everyone she comes across including the ladies at her quilting class, her sisters and brother and the ladies at the church. Oh, and did I mention she's the pastor's wife? And she is NOT still giggling over it.

(and for the record, no, we DON'T say that around here, not even with innocent Hal as a replacement!)

Seriously.


So, what the Hal didn't ya'll do this week???